Lullaby

"...and before time demands our goodbye, will you sing me a last lullaby?"

Definitely one of my all-time favourites.

Z.

3 (+2) kinds of Heartbreak

Something that I've always saved in my Notes and it's been there for quite some time now. Life lessons that I always go back to every once in a while.

Saw this the first time when I was on Tumblr. 

Over the years I came to add two more:

4. When you actually gave someone your heart & when they left, they forgot to return yours back to you.

5. When you try so hard to give someone your heart but that person refuses.

All of which, would just still leave you feeling the same kind of stone cold and empty.

Who knows? This list will probably get longer over time.

Z.

20th Century

It's 2015 and there are still people who think they look smarter by calling other people dumb. Good going, man.

Let me know where it gets you in another, oh I don't know, say 15 years?

Z.

That Portrait

I have this framed drawing of my 4 year old self that my parents made it done for me by a street artist when we were walking around Trafalgar Square during my first ever trip to London. The photo was just basically on a plain piece of drawing paper, and my image was created of crayons and chalk.

So when we got back Mama had it framed for me and that portrait has been on my bedroom wall above my bed ever since.

I never gave the portrait much thought. Until recently.

I've realised that the colours have faded slightly.
And there were dark spots on the previously spotless parts of the paper.
And I don't remember that I look like that when I was 4.
My eyes were all wrong and my mouth seemed funny.
My hair appeared too short.
And my cheeks were a bit off colour.


But really it's the same portrait of me. Has always been that way for the past 18 years. It's just that I've never looked at it properly.

I guess it's the same with people.

You end up not really realising that some people fade over the years.
They get these dark spots that make their soul seem a different colour.
They change, without really changing.


And just because you never look at them properly, you never came to realise these things. Till one day, so many years later.

And you know what?
That's just really, really sad.





Z

Medschool Pet Peeve #1

You know, you meet all kinds of different people in life. 

Like, I came across the kindest, funniest and most dedicated bunch of Specialists but I also got to meet the most egoistic, brutal, and angry ones. Baru 3rd year ni, belum habis lagi pun. Who knows what sort of people I'll encounter by the time I'm in my Final Year? (2.5 years to go InsyaAllah)

It's only my 4th posting and I can't even begin telling you how often I see House Officers getting terribly scolded right in front of us, and by us I mean students?


.....and how often do I picture myself being in their shoes after I graduate one day?

The thing is, we, Medical Students will also develop the same sort of fear. Dah kalau hari hari clerk patients pun menggeletar sebab takut tak sempat, sebab takut kena marah, mana tak nya? Present case pun suara tak keluar.

Padahal, when you think about it, they're not even your patients. You don't even have any sort of authority over them. Belum apa apa, dah takut. Macam mana tu?

And indirectly with these sort of Lecturers, you tend to do things out of fear. And I personally will go every day to the ward thinking - "Ish tak faham betul la aku lecturer/specialists yang garang garang ni. Kalau tak garang I'm sure I can still learn things"


Of course, this doesn't apply to all the Specialist I have met/will meet. Just a distinctive few.



Hmm. Here's a different story -

My first 3rd year posting was Internal Med, so we were posted to this one hospital. Most of the House Officers we met during this posting were very friendly and helpful and willing to teach and answered our questions but we can obviously sense we are not welcomed at this hospital. 

So during one of our BST sessions, I told Dr Mai - "Dr, Houseman(s) sini tak friendly sangat. Apa apa kitorang tanya diorang taknak jawab and diorang takde pun nak tunjuk ajar ke sikit sikit" (to be read in a sad tone because it was only my first few weeks of my first posting you see)

Dr Mai's answer was simple and one of the best answers that I'm probably gonna remember for the rest of my life - "Hmm. I guess, they forgot who they were kan? I guess they've forgotten their medical student days"

Meeting these sort of people, the nasty ones I mean, basically taught me to always remember where I came from. Where I started. So every time I get scolded for no valid reason or whenever I see an MO/HO/Specialist doing something that I don't like, I keep in mind to never be like them if (read:when) I am qualified one day, InsyaAllah.


And if one day I'll become one of the people I mentioned above, let this post still be around to remind me of my principles when I was a mere, foolish, timid 3rd year Medical Student who just started her O&G posting, still struggling to take a proper history from an Obstetrics patient.

In the meantime, a little perseverance will do :)

Z