The Conversation

So your phone beeped that no longer familiar beep. You opened the Whatsapp. It read "hi. How are you?" 

So there could be a 100001 ways to answer this. 

You could tell him about the other night when you woke up in panic because you had that nightmare. It was a good dream. It was good because he was in it. You called it a nightmare because he left. Took you a while to realise that it wasn't a dream at all. Just a memory. 

You could tell him about the day when you saw their photo and he was genuinely happy. And that made you sad. It made you sad because you promised you would be happy for him. If he's happy, then you're happy. It made you sad because you had to break your promise. 

You could tell him about your travelling experience lately. You could tell him about Dubai. How being in a foreign country doesn't feel foreign at all. How nothing made you happier than to see new places and trying new things. How being away from your routine feels right at home. How it made you realise, that life is not made to be lived in one place. 

You could tell him about how you dislike your current posting now. How statistics isn't really your cup of tea. How data and surveys are mere numbers to you. And numbers don't mean anything. But you miss doing Mathematics so at the end of the day it's not that bad. But still you'd lived for the day you finish your exams for Community Medicine. 

You could tell him all this. But as usual, you don't. 

You replied "hi. S'all good macam biasa. You?" 

*send*

z. 

Time.

Here. Have a non-related photo of the sunset from the 124th floor of Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world. 

Hmm. I've sort of lost faith in the term "being late" ever since I started medschool. 

The irony of it, really. I mean, whoever heard of anyone who was basically trained to be on time for 3 whole years, to just not accepting the term "being late"?

Punctuality is one thing. But the way I see it, things happen at the exact time they're supposed to happen. It's all been laid out by Him. Down to the last microsecond. 

The way I've always been told for the past 3 years - arriving at the hospital 3 mins later than the time you're supposed to clock in, MIGHT cost you a life. (And your salary, zzz on that part)

The way I've been training myself to think - you're not 3 minutes late. You arrive just at the time you're supposed to arrive. If you did arrive 3 minutes earlier, you wouldn't have gotten the chance to help an elderly pakcik, wanting to pay for his probably only meal of the day and it just so happened that you were passing by the cafe and maybe it's just His way of granting you extra pahala for the day. Sure it cost you RM5 for the pakcik's Teh O and nasi lemak, but hey no one has ever gotten poor by giving too much. 

So yeah. Things will happen when they're supposed to happen. Qada' and qadar, the predestination, what I've always heard people call it. 

Although yes, it can be hard sometimes to remember qada' and qadar when you're caught in a 20 minute delay in traffic trying to get to class in the morning. 

Takpe weyh. Self-control. Think good thoughts. Think good thoughts. 

Late night ramblings, 

Z. 

Too High Expectations

Sometimes, people do the shittiest things that gets you so mad. And you just sit there frustrated and trembling with anger, staring at the wall with your fists clenched, trying as hard you might to hold back the tears that are pooling at the edge of your eyelids.

You just can't seem to get it.

Why don't they understand?

Why do they choose to  do the things they did?

And it's not like you haven't tried to explain things, you did.

But you get mad because they won't listen.

They refuse to listen.

And that's even more frustrating. When you so badly want to patch things up and repair everything but when you say one word, the other person shouts out another 50.

You proceed to try channelling out your anger.

Should you punch the wall?

Should you go online and rant and post everything for the world to see? For the world to able to learn the same lesson?

Should you go to the kitchen, grab a tub of ice cream, put on 500 Days of Summer and cry away because you've been bullied?

Nope.

Instead, you unclench your fists, sigh and back down. You switch on your Macbook, you sign in, and write.

And by the end of the post, you no longer feel mad. At the end of the post, you've forgotten the feelings you had 10 mins ago.

And you learned this ;

Maybe it's your fault for expecting people to react the way you would. Maybe it's your fault for thinking too highly of such people.

Maybe it's your fault for thinking they were different, when in fact, they've proven themselves to you how very similar they are to the people you try to stay away from.

Yes, maybe that's it. Maybe all of this is the fault of no one but your own.

Z.

Self-reminder

Note to self :

It always, always, always pays to be the bigger person.

It's been a while

Hi.

Take a guess on where I am at the moment. Go on, guess. 

RC. In Manjung, on a hot afternoon, 3.30 pm, when I seriously should be in my bed. Napping.

To be honest, I am at the verge of burning out though. I know it's not really a fair statement, I am in no position to feel that way, but I am. 

I am sick and tired of O&G, I don't get much time on my own to study and honestly? It's really bumming me out. Can't believe there would be a day where I would be disappointed because I am unable to study.

Going to the wards everyday and basically clerking patients without having a proper framework of the mind really is taking a toll on my intelligence.

Not really finding an excuse, just a way I let off some steam.


1 week and a half to go till Dubai. Let's keep motivated!

Mudah-mudahan Allah setuju.





Z.

Lullaby

"...and before time demands our goodbye, will you sing me a last lullaby?"

Definitely one of my all-time favourites.

Z.

3 (+2) kinds of Heartbreak

Something that I've always saved in my Notes and it's been there for quite some time now. Life lessons that I always go back to every once in a while.

Saw this the first time when I was on Tumblr. 

Over the years I came to add two more:

4. When you actually gave someone your heart & when they left, they forgot to return yours back to you.

5. When you try so hard to give someone your heart but that person refuses.

All of which, would just still leave you feeling the same kind of stone cold and empty.

Who knows? This list will probably get longer over time.

Z.

20th Century

It's 2015 and there are still people who think they look smarter by calling other people dumb. Good going, man.

Let me know where it gets you in another, oh I don't know, say 15 years?

Z.

That Portrait

I have this framed drawing of my 4 year old self that my parents made it done for me by a street artist when we were walking around Trafalgar Square during my first ever trip to London. The photo was just basically on a plain piece of drawing paper, and my image was created of crayons and chalk.

So when we got back Mama had it framed for me and that portrait has been on my bedroom wall above my bed ever since.

I never gave the portrait much thought. Until recently.

I've realised that the colours have faded slightly.
And there were dark spots on the previously spotless parts of the paper.
And I don't remember that I look like that when I was 4.
My eyes were all wrong and my mouth seemed funny.
My hair appeared too short.
And my cheeks were a bit off colour.


But really it's the same portrait of me. Has always been that way for the past 18 years. It's just that I've never looked at it properly.

I guess it's the same with people.

You end up not really realising that some people fade over the years.
They get these dark spots that make their soul seem a different colour.
They change, without really changing.


And just because you never look at them properly, you never came to realise these things. Till one day, so many years later.

And you know what?
That's just really, really sad.





Z

Medschool Pet Peeve #1

You know, you meet all kinds of different people in life. 

Like, I came across the kindest, funniest and most dedicated bunch of Specialists but I also got to meet the most egoistic, brutal, and angry ones. Baru 3rd year ni, belum habis lagi pun. Who knows what sort of people I'll encounter by the time I'm in my Final Year? (2.5 years to go InsyaAllah)

It's only my 4th posting and I can't even begin telling you how often I see House Officers getting terribly scolded right in front of us, and by us I mean students?


.....and how often do I picture myself being in their shoes after I graduate one day?

The thing is, we, Medical Students will also develop the same sort of fear. Dah kalau hari hari clerk patients pun menggeletar sebab takut tak sempat, sebab takut kena marah, mana tak nya? Present case pun suara tak keluar.

Padahal, when you think about it, they're not even your patients. You don't even have any sort of authority over them. Belum apa apa, dah takut. Macam mana tu?

And indirectly with these sort of Lecturers, you tend to do things out of fear. And I personally will go every day to the ward thinking - "Ish tak faham betul la aku lecturer/specialists yang garang garang ni. Kalau tak garang I'm sure I can still learn things"


Of course, this doesn't apply to all the Specialist I have met/will meet. Just a distinctive few.



Hmm. Here's a different story -

My first 3rd year posting was Internal Med, so we were posted to this one hospital. Most of the House Officers we met during this posting were very friendly and helpful and willing to teach and answered our questions but we can obviously sense we are not welcomed at this hospital. 

So during one of our BST sessions, I told Dr Mai - "Dr, Houseman(s) sini tak friendly sangat. Apa apa kitorang tanya diorang taknak jawab and diorang takde pun nak tunjuk ajar ke sikit sikit" (to be read in a sad tone because it was only my first few weeks of my first posting you see)

Dr Mai's answer was simple and one of the best answers that I'm probably gonna remember for the rest of my life - "Hmm. I guess, they forgot who they were kan? I guess they've forgotten their medical student days"

Meeting these sort of people, the nasty ones I mean, basically taught me to always remember where I came from. Where I started. So every time I get scolded for no valid reason or whenever I see an MO/HO/Specialist doing something that I don't like, I keep in mind to never be like them if (read:when) I am qualified one day, InsyaAllah.


And if one day I'll become one of the people I mentioned above, let this post still be around to remind me of my principles when I was a mere, foolish, timid 3rd year Medical Student who just started her O&G posting, still struggling to take a proper history from an Obstetrics patient.

In the meantime, a little perseverance will do :)

Z

Lastly.

"I'm done with you" 

Well, it's not the first time I heard that from somewhere. 

So that's okay. 

I understand.

Sometimes I'm done too.

Z.

The Sunset

To one day be able to enjoy this similar view without having this sick feeling of longing for something that is missing, but you can't even place what it is. 

Boleh?

InsyaAllah.

Z

Listen. Just, listen.

There would be times when you are at your lowest.
Times when all you want, all you need at the moment, is to talk.
No, not converse. Just talk.
Like you would call or meet up with someone and just go on and on and on about whatever that is bothering you.
Doesn't matter whether you laughed or cried or there'd be times when you seemed completely mental.
But talk.
Talk to anyone, hell, anything that would listen.
And they, it, whatever would just listen. Or even just pretend to listen. Because at this point of life, you wouldn't even care if they are just pretending for your sake.
Heck, they don't even need to say anything.
They don't even need to nod or even move or anything.
They just need to be there.
All you require in this moment is just presence, a probable entity.
To just listen.

But honey, you are one selfish bitch.
Because the only person you know who would listen to you rage on for 3 days straight and still stick by you,


..is the only person who you are trying so very hard to push away at this moment.





Z.

Surprise, Paediatrics.

You know how life can sometimes surprise you in the most pleasant way possible?
Well this week, I got a surprise.

I genuinely enjoyed my Paediatrics posting*


So, that's good right? Let's work along this line then, shall we dear self?



Z.

* don't get me wrong. I enjoyed my Internal Medicine & Surgery posting as well
* also, it could be because I've always self-proclaimed myself as being not good with kids. Nothing changed though. I still think I'm not a kids person.

Let's Talk Physics

Newtons 3rd Law states that: 

For every action, there is an equal reaction 

You see, you might have not even notice it, the thought might have never even crossed your mind, but maybe I don't know, just maybe your action somewhat 4,5,10 years ago might have left a (not so equal) reaction to someone else?

Probably a reaction that still lasts till this very day?

But meh, who am I to say such things anyway? I only exist as a mere fraction of your distant memory, kan?

Z. 

Rose

No matter how well you brace yourself for the ending, you end up hurt anyway. 

Like how you know things won't end well, yet you keep on trying & trying, day by day, hoping for... I don't know, a change? Or maybe just a hint of hope? 

No matter how small of a hope it may be.

Because it's like pulling out a thorn from that sweet-smelling rose you held on to for too long, so long that the thorn has now became a part of your skin. So when you finally pull it out, you stare at the scar it made and you wonder how long will it take for your skin to heal this time. 

But at the same time, you know that the longer you keep the thorn there, the more it's gonna hurt.

All the while having this thought at the back of your mind - what if you had kept that rose just a minute longer... would there be a chance for things to be different?

Z.

Once.

"..but it became a struggle & timing was wrong, and love decided that they didn't belong"

So appreciate people while you still can. Because one day when they're gone, it doesn't matter how many buckets of tears you shed in the process, or whose fault it was, or how happy you initially were..

..the only thing left of you now is regret. 




Z.

From this side,

If you can't be happy for other people, than the least you can do is not hate them for their reasons of happiness, no matter how petty and minute and tiny the reasons may seem to you.


Well, think about it darling, the world won't be any fun anymore without these sort of people to entertain you, will it?



Z.

Prologue

First things first I know it's typical but I deem it necessary of me to have at least one introductory post about well, myself. 

God, I sound self centred.

No matter.

The name's Farhan Zafira Zafrin. Turning 22 this April insyaAllah though I'm living in denial at the moment. Growing up, I thought I hated people, but I guess that changed when I entered Medical school. 

Wanted to be a Marine Biologist up till I was 17, magically took up Medicine as my degree after I finish my foundation. Yeah, I know. Wow.

Currently halfway through my degree but we both know I've still got a loong way to go. 

I prefer sandy beaches and hidden waterfalls rather than busy shopping malls. I spend my money on mostly food and travelling. I live for road trips and driving through the city, looking at the assorted lights whenever it's dark out and no longer busy.

I read because it's my personal way of time travelling. Although, I do resent myself for keeping on finding excuses to why I never read as much anymore. 

Not that much of a sweet tooth, but I wouldn't say no to good desserts. I love sunsets just as much as I enjoy the rain. I'm not that much of a morning person, though I do try, at times. 

Cats are my favourite kind of people. Yes, you read that right. 

I am an only child & I absolutely love being one no matter how many "tak lonely ke?" comments I get. My parents are my best friends and my best friends are my extended family. No names need to be mentioned, they're well aware of themselves.

Little things that make my day would be (the ones that are on top of my head at the moment):

• meaningful conversations
• milkshakes
• epiphanies
• perfectly drawn eyeliners
• quality time with a loved one
• seeing new places & trying out new things
• anything Harry Potter themed

I am not out to change people. If I don't like you, I will avoid you and choose to not speak to you. It's as simple as that. Nothing personal, it's just my way of avoiding anything complicated.

I'll let you in on a secret - I know I don't write that well, but one day I wish to write. 

I'll let you in on a bigger secret - I don't even care if whatever I get to write about has nothing to do with medicine.

I could go on forever. But I choose to stop. Here. Yeap. Righttt about..

..now.

Z.

#1

Been thinking of getting my own blog for a while to be honest. I guess now that I'm almost 22 I like the idea of having something permanent to write down my thoughts, but at the same time having something that is not too private. You get what I mean? Like a diary or something.

So yeah, a blog.

I highly doubt myself for trying to sustain this sort of writing drive though. It doesn't come often. So I might as well learn to make full use of it, while it's here.

And hopefully, this time it stays.

No pressure, dear self. After all, you're only 21.

Till later,

Z.