The Conversation

So your phone beeped that no longer familiar beep. You opened the Whatsapp. It read "hi. How are you?" 

So there could be a 100001 ways to answer this. 

You could tell him about the other night when you woke up in panic because you had that nightmare. It was a good dream. It was good because he was in it. You called it a nightmare because he left. Took you a while to realise that it wasn't a dream at all. Just a memory. 

You could tell him about the day when you saw their photo and he was genuinely happy. And that made you sad. It made you sad because you promised you would be happy for him. If he's happy, then you're happy. It made you sad because you had to break your promise. 

You could tell him about your travelling experience lately. You could tell him about Dubai. How being in a foreign country doesn't feel foreign at all. How nothing made you happier than to see new places and trying new things. How being away from your routine feels right at home. How it made you realise, that life is not made to be lived in one place. 

You could tell him about how you dislike your current posting now. How statistics isn't really your cup of tea. How data and surveys are mere numbers to you. And numbers don't mean anything. But you miss doing Mathematics so at the end of the day it's not that bad. But still you'd lived for the day you finish your exams for Community Medicine. 

You could tell him all this. But as usual, you don't. 

You replied "hi. S'all good macam biasa. You?" 

*send*

z. 

Time.

Here. Have a non-related photo of the sunset from the 124th floor of Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world. 

Hmm. I've sort of lost faith in the term "being late" ever since I started medschool. 

The irony of it, really. I mean, whoever heard of anyone who was basically trained to be on time for 3 whole years, to just not accepting the term "being late"?

Punctuality is one thing. But the way I see it, things happen at the exact time they're supposed to happen. It's all been laid out by Him. Down to the last microsecond. 

The way I've always been told for the past 3 years - arriving at the hospital 3 mins later than the time you're supposed to clock in, MIGHT cost you a life. (And your salary, zzz on that part)

The way I've been training myself to think - you're not 3 minutes late. You arrive just at the time you're supposed to arrive. If you did arrive 3 minutes earlier, you wouldn't have gotten the chance to help an elderly pakcik, wanting to pay for his probably only meal of the day and it just so happened that you were passing by the cafe and maybe it's just His way of granting you extra pahala for the day. Sure it cost you RM5 for the pakcik's Teh O and nasi lemak, but hey no one has ever gotten poor by giving too much. 

So yeah. Things will happen when they're supposed to happen. Qada' and qadar, the predestination, what I've always heard people call it. 

Although yes, it can be hard sometimes to remember qada' and qadar when you're caught in a 20 minute delay in traffic trying to get to class in the morning. 

Takpe weyh. Self-control. Think good thoughts. Think good thoughts. 

Late night ramblings, 

Z. 

Too High Expectations

Sometimes, people do the shittiest things that gets you so mad. And you just sit there frustrated and trembling with anger, staring at the wall with your fists clenched, trying as hard you might to hold back the tears that are pooling at the edge of your eyelids.

You just can't seem to get it.

Why don't they understand?

Why do they choose to  do the things they did?

And it's not like you haven't tried to explain things, you did.

But you get mad because they won't listen.

They refuse to listen.

And that's even more frustrating. When you so badly want to patch things up and repair everything but when you say one word, the other person shouts out another 50.

You proceed to try channelling out your anger.

Should you punch the wall?

Should you go online and rant and post everything for the world to see? For the world to able to learn the same lesson?

Should you go to the kitchen, grab a tub of ice cream, put on 500 Days of Summer and cry away because you've been bullied?

Nope.

Instead, you unclench your fists, sigh and back down. You switch on your Macbook, you sign in, and write.

And by the end of the post, you no longer feel mad. At the end of the post, you've forgotten the feelings you had 10 mins ago.

And you learned this ;

Maybe it's your fault for expecting people to react the way you would. Maybe it's your fault for thinking too highly of such people.

Maybe it's your fault for thinking they were different, when in fact, they've proven themselves to you how very similar they are to the people you try to stay away from.

Yes, maybe that's it. Maybe all of this is the fault of no one but your own.

Z.

Self-reminder

Note to self :

It always, always, always pays to be the bigger person.

It's been a while

Hi.

Take a guess on where I am at the moment. Go on, guess. 

RC. In Manjung, on a hot afternoon, 3.30 pm, when I seriously should be in my bed. Napping.

To be honest, I am at the verge of burning out though. I know it's not really a fair statement, I am in no position to feel that way, but I am. 

I am sick and tired of O&G, I don't get much time on my own to study and honestly? It's really bumming me out. Can't believe there would be a day where I would be disappointed because I am unable to study.

Going to the wards everyday and basically clerking patients without having a proper framework of the mind really is taking a toll on my intelligence.

Not really finding an excuse, just a way I let off some steam.


1 week and a half to go till Dubai. Let's keep motivated!

Mudah-mudahan Allah setuju.





Z.

Lullaby

"...and before time demands our goodbye, will you sing me a last lullaby?"

Definitely one of my all-time favourites.

Z.

3 (+2) kinds of Heartbreak

Something that I've always saved in my Notes and it's been there for quite some time now. Life lessons that I always go back to every once in a while.

Saw this the first time when I was on Tumblr. 

Over the years I came to add two more:

4. When you actually gave someone your heart & when they left, they forgot to return yours back to you.

5. When you try so hard to give someone your heart but that person refuses.

All of which, would just still leave you feeling the same kind of stone cold and empty.

Who knows? This list will probably get longer over time.

Z.